I kept clicking, mesmerized by what I saw: musicians, friends, writers, all living out what they love. The sight made me antsy, the kind where I can't sit still in my seat because I must DO something. Anything. Right now. I began to resent this season and the connotations of "19" and "college" and "student". Below are my spilled-out thoughts, written over a few days. I thought they'd only ever be known by the blank white space and my own eyes- until I remembered why writing's right. I said I wanted to make a difference, it's time I acted on it.
Wanting to grow up too fast is happening all over again.
I know the concept of what's on the horizon: bills to pay, consequential decisions, raw responsibility. I know sweetness makes appearances along the way too. Adulthood isn't all drab and mundane and check lists. It's got rich experiences and bruising lessons of its own.
But now- now is the time where I can relish in being provided for by both my Father and my father. It's comforting and leaves wide open spaces for mistakes and second chances. It's got tight-knit community and it's got free time if I remember to do daily reality checks. This season's a good one, one that'd be a shame to miss.
Yet I find myself yearning; yearning for more than this. Wanting to work on big girl projects instead of research papers. Doing the projects anyway and being slightly bothered that the reaction isn't what I'd hoped for, the response real life adults tend to get.
There's songs about never growing up, songs I've listened to more than once. I sway on the line of agreement these days. Staying, going back, trudging forward. Sometimes I wish meticulous trudging could be subbed out for a teleportation device.
I wish for the effortless. And by doing that, I let the richness of a life well lived slip through my fingers like sand grains. I want to stop.
On Growing Up: a continuation
I look at the lives of who I aspire to be, and I want to go live them. Or live my own version of them at least. I know what I want to be and I want to go be it.
Some would say those are good things, healthy even. And maybe they are... just not for me yet. I want to go live and be RIGHT NOW. I want to skip over this seemingly purgatorial season, to open my Blue Ridge apartment door and walk right into an office nestled in east Tennessee, writers' tools in tow. It doesn't work that way, much to my current dismay and future relief.
In some twisted way, I miss the clouded vision that appeared when I thought about the future. Little did I know how fleeting the comfort upon assurance of career path would be. Now that I see what hopefully awaits I'd pull a Vanessa Carlton to reach it. A thousand miles still won't get me to the nearest time portal to be whisked away to my future self.
Each time I think about what could be, I'm wishing away seconds, minutes, hours, and days. Every I'd-rather-be-there-than-here blows a few more wisps of dandelion far from grasp.
I've got to wait, no, to live, because I'm not ready, though my confidence-infused words may claim otherwise.
"Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don't spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don't get stuck in the past, and don't try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven't yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life's path."