2020, a reflection.
the first moments of 2020 were mostly laughable— i was surrounded by strangers in a charleston apartment, flecks of glitter stuck to my clothes from those flimsy, cardboard glasses. and then i was piled in the booth at a restaurant i never knew the name of, watching a half-serious fight break out while an unopened bottle of yuengling somehow spilled out into my bag of chinese take-out. driving home on january first, i chalked it up to a night i’d laugh about. or maybe one i’d even forget about, as living a life in new york felt like it was finally in reach. i guess instead, that night became some sort of omen for the year at hand: unusual chaos, collapsing plans, and the semi-sweet discomfort of becoming reacquainted with south carolina.
though nothing about this year has been foreseen or consistent, i knew i’d still inevitably dust off this space i take up on the internet to look back on how i spent 2020; and that in itself feels like enough of a victory. it’s been a year in three parts, distinguished by c*vid, by disposition and locale.
part 1 found me at the height of determinism, sitting in my hometown starbucks every morning, eyes glazing over at the massive spreadsheet of jobs i’d applied for in new york. i sent emails, fumbled through interviews, wrote an ungodly amount of cover letters. i started writing for a music publication and reading multiple books a week. i listened to the news every morning, ran every evening at the park down the street, watched a movie every night with my parents. i went to new york for a few days and flitted from bars, to shows, to parties with my friends— not knowing our glory days would be so short-lived.
in march i bought a plane ticket to california, and a few days later i cancelled it— so began part 2. i spent most evenings walking around our dead-end suburban neighborhood, on the phone with one friend or another. not having seen a friend in months, i really didn’t mind this new pesudo-reality at first. i exited out of my massive spreadsheet and re-opened the draft of my second book; by april, it was finished and printed. i baked bread and poptarts, perfected crispy zucchini and the NYT brown butter lemon pasta. i made a new cocktail recipe every night, which accidentally turned into my third self-published book. the week i sent it to print, the country plunged into unrest— and i sunk into an unshakeable state of frustration and apathy.
i got myself out of it the only way i knew how—making a move on a whim. enter, part 3. until june, i hadn’t been to litchfield since i was 18, but in july i applied for a barista job and drove down with a carry-on suitcase and very few expectations. yet, these months have held a barrage of reacquaintance: with the strip of beach i’ve always known, with family i haven’t seen in years, with versions of who i’ve been. most days i’ve biked to the beach, walked to the end and back with a beer, continually amassing a collection of shells i’m proud of. i’ve become a regular at my favorite restaurants and i’ve made friends. i’ve seen a blue moon, and more sunrises and sunsets than i can count. i’ve watched the tide change again and again, and over time, i fell into a rhythm that somehow, for now, feels right.
as this confusing question mark of a year comes to a close, i can’t help but feel grateful in the face of all the misplaced hope, lonely days, and re-routed plans…i wouldn’t be who i am now without it.
2020 BEST OF: ALBUMS, SONGS, BOOKS
FAVORITE ALBUMS:
Saint Cloud - Waxahatchee — my quarantine companion that somehow made southern suburbia sound beautiful.
Moveys - Slow Pulp — the definition of what it means to adapt, the echoes of my past lives in cities i’ve loved.
The Baby - Samia — an instant alone-time favorite, every track a piece of poetry.
Down Through - Gleemer — the emo small town soundtrack i’ve always wanted.
FAVORITE SONGS:
How Many Years? - Brother Moses — i never knew it was possible to pack so much heart into just 6 minutes.
Oxbow - Waxahatchee — one of the greatest track 1s in existence. “i want it all, all.”
Guest In Your Life - Sinai Vessel — this one will forever remind me of my one-song bike rides to the beach.
peace - Taylor Swift — the sound of an east coast sunrise, the sound of how it feels to be tethered to your life.
FAVORITE BOOKS:
during 2020, I set a goal to read 40 books—i ended up reading 61. which is WILD, yet a goal i’m really proud to have stuck to and exceeded. choosing favorites was nearly impossible, but here are 6 that changed me:
Book of Delights - Ross Gay — a practice of gratitude via essayettes. simple, human, observant; beautiful in the most rare and real way.
Swing Time - Zadie Smith — a novel about rhythm, about race, about friendship and love. there’s this quote that struck me deeply: “sometimes i wonder if people don’t want freedom a much as they want meaning.”
Find Me - Andre Aciman — i don’t think anyone has ever written dialogue and subtle banter more beautifully.
Where the Crawdads Sing - Delia Owens — a book that truly lived up to the hype; so many small moments of beauty and an ending i won’t forget. “…because people forget about creatures who live in shells.”
Trick Mirror - Jia Tolentino — the essay collection that made me think the most this year; there’s no critical thinker/writer i admire more than Jia Tolentino.
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith — a book about nothing and everything all at once— in the best way.