2019, a reflection.

this space on the internet has ended up becoming my end-of-year shelter, a page on which to look back and realign. i suppose if that’s all i use it for, it’s still good enough for me. 2019 was a long year and every part of me feels its effects— it began with dancing, in clubs and in my kitchen. i sang karaoke for the first time, despite my deep fear. i quit one job and started another. i went to portland, maine for april fools day with two good friends and it felt like the kind of moment i always try to chase. i did a little more photo work, and a little less writing. i walked a labyrinth for the first time and felt something. i started running again and developed my own opinion on our political climate. i drove to St. Louis, MO for a day just to play in the City Museum. i got better at cooking and often had friends over for cocktails. in light of change, i also spent a lot of time alone and lost my mind for a bit.

i quit another job and spent two months in brooklyn, ny. i walked miles with and without purpose, and i wrote most of a second book like i hoped. i went to coney island alone on a whim just to eat a hot dog and see the sun go down. i flirted with bartenders, routinely stayed out late, and remembered how to make friends. i rode the sea glass carousel with a friend and took the ferry home to cap off a near-perfect day. i cried while power-walking down 6th st. listening to alexander biggs’ ‘miserable’ and strutted down Prince listening to st. vincent’s ‘cruel’. i lived in a soho hotel for a week and bid new york goodbye over both fancy pasta & prosecco and take-out thai. those months were monumental; the rest of the year has been a frustrating and aimless tumble. i decided to take a risk and left a town i used to love for where i write from now: starbucks again, in the throes of a quarter-life crisis.

2019 was mostly live music and too much tv, it was screams in the car and moments of deep let-down. it was unforeseeable change and habits i can’t shake. it was bouts of hope, cynicism, and wild fun— it was a song i didn’t know the words to and nothing i saw coming. and as of now, 2020 seems as much of a mystery, but i hope like hell it’s full of thoughtful direction, ambitious work, unwavering friendship, and deep freedom.

anyway, thanks for reading. here’s some art i loved this year:

RECORDS

TOP THREE:

1) i am easy to find - the national

2) immunity - clairo

3) basking in the glow - oso oso

OTHERS I LOVED:

roseville - roseville

nothing happens - wallows

sucker punch - sigrid 

good at falling - the japanese house 

crushing - julia jacklin 

first place - the brook & the bluff

BOCC - better oblivion community center

*i also listened to The Daily and Armchair Expert, as any basic podcast listener might do.

**i also read books, but not as many as i meant to. Just Kids by Patti Smith was my favorite one.

***i also saw a good many movies but was too forgetful to keep a running list. from recent memory, Booksmart was enjoyable. Knives Out was exhilarating. Little Women was perfect.